destiny...they say is written up in heavens....sometimes i wonder who writes it for us...God or somebody who has no heart to understand the pains and suffterings that we go through because of him...

its been one month that my world has come to a standstill, or i should say is shattered beyond repair...nothing works, nothing helps...no amount of prayers, curses or tears helps..just nothing helps....never thought that life would turn out this way that every day virtually wud be like living in hell....

28th dec..how can i forget that unfortunate day..when we took our sweet little daughter to doctor...thinking its normal cold and cough that comes with kids for first season...little did we know that destiny was seeing us ...smiling cruelly at our normal life ..with a son of 6 yrs and daughter of 11 months we thought our life and family is complete and now all we have to do is make them happy with whatever we can...

the doctor after looking at my sweet angel for a long time...asked us if any other doctor has said anything about her..we felt strange about the question and then in a straight tone..he said as if was declaring that your daughter is NOT NORMAL...she has down syndrome...which means mental retardation which comes with various physical problems...i remember my heart sinking ....dint know wat to say or do ...my head was spinning ...my hubby made me sit on a stool near to doctor..he went on and said that she also has some problem in her heart...the severity of which can only be known with an eco test...i coud see my hubby's eyes being wet...but he was trying hard to control ...i rushed out of the room and began crying there...my angel in my arms..dint know wat to do ..where to go ..

since then all i remember is standing in queues...meeting doctors, everyday taking appointments, leaving home at 7 in the morning only to get back at night after sending everybody from hospital...

my angel has got severe heart defects... i m told some AVSD..defect with some other problems..which should have been treated by now adn its already quite late..and she'll require open heart surgery....

now the real trauma begins...we met at least 15 cardiologist, paedetric cardiologist, child specialists, even consulted docs in US...but not even a single doctor has advised us to go for the surgery...the reason a s they say is my baby wud never be able to lead a normal and independent life...she'll always be dependent on somebody and will need 24X7 supervision...with mild to severe retardation( this can only be told at a later age)..and also she'll not be fine physically too after this critical heart surgery she may require  more surgeries at later age..she'll be susceptible to all kinds of infections, including leukemia, might have hearing or vision loss and the chances of her getting alzheimer disease in her 30s are very high....

i've cried so much in this one month that there are no more tears....Why me..? what did i do..? i just wanted a normal life for me and my kids....whats her fault...but its of no use...he, who is up there seems is so indifferent that it just doesnt matter to him...all the docs that we have gone for the consultation has either advised us against or has asked us to come prepared for the surgery after understanding completely what future has in store for us and our daughter.....

  and i've decided...after understanding what life she is gonna have ..after meeting kids with similar problem...after putting my head over my heart and after feeling disgusted for a long time...i've decided that i wud not go for the surgery ...i wud not let her live that life ...i wud not let her suffer after i'm gone...i wud let my angel live or die in my arms...rather then leaving her behind only to be cursed to die and not looked after...my husband understands but still doesn't understand that the daughter for which i've prayed all my life and especially during those 9 months ...how can i decide and be strong about it.....

sometimes i feel that i m this disgusting soul who is running away from her responsiblity to raise a mentally retarded child, or the one who is denying the right of my daughter to live...but would that be life...can that be called a life... living for the heck of it....when i know its just a body not able to take its own decision...i am disgusted at my own self for taking such a decision but at the same time i know i can not see my daughter go through hell for the whole of her life...i love her sooo much to let her suffer...and i know i just cant do anything ... i m so helpless and angry and hurt...that now nothing matters....

docs say she has about 5-10 years if we  dont go for the surgery and if we want to, she is operable only for another 15-20 days...

have never felt so miserable and helpless in my life...